thank you pam for the encouragement, it made me feel better.
im feeling really tired over this matter. have been crying and crying so much my eyes feel so tired. i feel like giving up, feel like really letting go of everything. i repeated the question, 'do you trust God?' so many times these days. each time i asked myself that question, i think through again and decided to be strong. but how long will i remain strong?
so many people out there who don't understand my feelings, the first group of people, the non-believers, think i'm being stupid, i'm being very childish and insensible. yet i feel so tired of explaining. i don't even feel like talking about the matter anymore. i don't even feel like clearing those misconceptions of what people have of me. i'm sick and tired of all these.
and the second group of people being the believers who grew up in christian families. i am very grateful to all those who stood by me and encouraged me. but again, they haven't been through what i'm going through, its very difficult for them to understand why i keep holding back.
i feel very far away from God too at times.
yet, i feel His presence, His watching over me in the late nights when i felt as if i'm going to die from the headache and tears, although i can't seem to get close to Him. sounds like i'm contradicting myself, but i believe in Him and His decision. ever since the day i accepted Christ i have decided to follow whatever path He lays out for me, whether or not i understand why He is doing this or why i am so unhappy about it.
like what the pastor said on sunday, when you don't understand why God is making you go through things, just take it as you're worshipping him.

Don't take too long to say
I love you to the ones you love
Cause time has a habit of slipping away.
-Ronin - one more moment